Here’s to Another Summer of Being Fat

Join the Summer Without Shame Society

I’ve struggled with maintaining a healthy size and weight my entire life. As if the internal struggle about my body wasn’t enough, as a young adult and teenager, I’ve had to endure adults commenting on my body as well. 

“I didn’t know the big girl could do a split!” A very grown woman blurted these words at her daughter’s birthday party at Odyssey Fun World, after I did a split with the rest of my teen peers. 

“I thought you said you lost weight?” A very grown family member asked me this awkward question while swimming. I struggled to make excuses for my 15-year-old body that was going through many changes.

There’s also the many years my stepfather made me feel uncomfortable with food, because he often made jokes about me overeating. I found myself sneaking food to avoid his snarkiness. 

When I was 16-years-old, I joined Weight Watchers with my mom and lost 30 pounds. She congratulated me on doing a beautiful job of dropping the weight and forewarned that this would be a constant struggle. Boy, was she right. 

In retrospect, I wasn’t *that* big. I once heard podcaster and writer Demetria L. Lucas reminisce on Toccara Jones from America’s Next Top Model. She pointed out that Toccara was often referred to as being plus size, but in actuality she was maybe a size 12 or 14. That was me. I look at old pictures of myself and all I see is a healthy shaped girl. My stomach was flat and I had curves in all the right places. I wish I could go back in time and relieve myself of having negative body images. It crippled me from moments of joy. I have vivid memories of me opting out of going to campus events in college or hanging with friends as a young adult, because I was ashamed of my body. I often fantasize about how everything will be much more enjoyable after I lose weight. 

*Over the years I’ve lost weight in spurts, but nothing significant. While trying to lose weight for our wedding, I somehow managed to gain weight. And then came the baby weight, covid  weight loss, covid weight gain and now the most intrusive weight gain from recently being diagnosed with mild sleep apnea.