looking for her.

in search of the woman God created me to be.

It’s the most wonderful time of the year.

June is the official opener for summer. Something about June makes me feel… lighter. Somehow, the longer days mixed with warmer weather, gives me permission to loosen up and let my hair down. The anticipation for Juneteenth (June 19), Summer solstice (June 20) and my birthday (June 26), makes June a special month for me. God knew I was born to be a protesting, whimsy frolicking, Black mermaid with long boho braids. And while I am planning to have the best June ever, I’m not pleased with how I’m entering this blissful month.

“I think it’s spiritual”. This is what I told my friend yesterday, while explaining why I haven’t been able to focus for the last two years. I’m currently the heaviest I’ve ever been. Carrying this extra weight has affected just about everything. I spend most of my days feeling tired and sluggish. I recently resumed my spring/summer morning walks and noticed that my shins ache, as if I’d been running, and I get tired sooner than usual. This has spilled into my creative side, as well as my business. I find myself shying away from the camera, saying, "I'll take more photos when I lose weight.” Week after week, I say, “Find your rhythm, Nik”, but I’ve yet to actually nail down a legit schedule to write and create. It’s extremely disheartening, because I feel like no one can help me. Not even myself.

Last month I experienced an unusual amount of rejection, and to be honest, it bothered me a bit. However, time has proven that God sees all and hasn’t forgotten about me. I know he’s able to pick me up and set me on the right path. I’m encouraged by the scripture Psalm 121:1-2 that says, “I will lift up my eyes to the hills from whence cometh my help. My help cometh from the Lord, which made heaven and earth.” My eyes are lifted and, through faith, I believe my help is coming. 

The woman God created me to be lives within me, I just need to find her. 

Beginning June 1st (today), I’m committed to making choices that will bring me closer to being her. The way I eat and take care of my body will be for consideration of her health. The way I spend my time and money will be in preparation for her wealth. I’m looking for the woman I need to become ,and with God’s help, I’m bound to embrace her soon. 

June, what a beautiful time to come alive again. 

What are your wishes for June? Let me know below. I’m praying for us.

your favorite cousin, 

Nik